Which Wolf Are You Feeding?

This week, I want to share one of my favourite stories - one that had a profound impact on me when I first heard it.

It’s a simple reminder, yet a powerful one, and worth asking ourselves daily:

Which wolf am I feeding?

The Two Wolves – a Cherokee legend

An old Cherokee man sits outside his teepee with his grandson, teaching him about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he tells the boy. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is a large black wolf with yellow, glinting eyes. He represents anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, and ego.”

The boy listens quietly, a little afraid.

The old man continues, “The other wolf is just as strong. He is snow white, with soft grey eyes. He represents joy, peace, love, hope, kindness, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

He pauses, then adds, “This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every person, every day.”

The grandson thinks for a moment, then asks, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee replies simply, "The one you feed.”

This story is deceptively simple - and deeply profound.

Every day, in every situation, we have a choice. We can react from anger, resentment, fear, or self-pity… or we can choose compassion, gratitude, hope, and kindness.

Feeding the “good wolf” doesn’t mean ignoring life’s difficulties. It means choosing where we place our attention. Do we dwell on what’s wrong, or do we notice what’s still good? Do we replay hurts and frustrations, or do we nurture peace, love, and resilience?

So today, pause and ask yourself:

Which wolf will I feed?
And how might you apply this lesson - just for today - in your own life?

Sometimes, a small shift in awareness changes everything.

Feeding the Wolves in a Long-Term NeuroDivergent Relationship

This question -Which wolf am I feeding? takes on a deeper, more complex meaning when you are in a long-term NeuroDivergent relationship.

When you live for years alongside a partner whose nervous system, communication style, and emotional processing are very different from your own, daily interactions can quietly feed the black wolf without you even realising it.

Chronic misunderstandings, emotional disconnect, shutdowns, unmet needs, and repeated disappointment can slowly nurture resentment, self-doubt, grief, anger, and exhaustion. Over time, it becomes easy to live in a constant state of vigilance, bracing yourself for the next misunderstanding or emotional withdrawal.

And here’s the difficult truth: this doesn’t mean you are bitter, negative, or failing. It means you are human - and you’ve been under long-term emotional strain.

Feeding the white wolf in a neurodivergent relationship does not mean denying your pain, minimising your needs, or pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. That would only starve you. Instead, it means consciously choosing where your energy goes.

It might look like:

• Shifting focus from trying to change your partner to strengthening your own emotional wellbeing
• Releasing self-blame for dynamics that are not within your control
• Practising self-compassion rather than constant self-correction
• Allowing grief to exist without letting it turn into bitterness
• Creating moments of peace, joy, and meaning outside the relationship

In long-term neurodivergent relationships, feeding the white wolf is often about self-preservation, not positivity.

It’s about protecting your inner world so the relationship, however challenging, does not consume your sense of self.

So perhaps the question becomes gentler, and more realistic:

Today, what can I feed within myself that helps me stay emotionally strong?
What choice - however small - supports my peace rather than depletes it?

Because in these relationships especially, the wolf you choose to feed shapes not just your outlook - but your survival, resilience, and long-term wellbeing.