Some days, life just feels relentless.
You find yourself sinking into a dark place with no energy left to climb out. Everything feels out of control. The children are demanding, the bills keep growing, your job feels stuck, and you’re tired in your bones. You feel tearful, overwhelmed, and worn down far more often than you ever imagined you would.
And then there is the part that cuts the deepest.
Your NeuroDiverse partner seems completely unaware of your pain. He feels distant, unreachable, absorbed in his own world. When you most need him to offer comfort, reassurance, or understanding, he simply isn’t there. He’s off doing his own thing, and it often feels as though whatever he is focused on matters far more than what you are struggling with.
When you try to explain how hard things are for you, it can end badly. You may be met with anger, told you are needy or over-anxious, or worse still, ignored altogether.
Even when you understand that Autism plays a part, it still hurts deeply that he isn’t there for you when you need him most.
This is where the negative cycle so often begins.
Blame creeps in. Resentment grows. You find yourself thinking that he should know what’s wrong, or that he should know what to do. From there, frustration spills out in ways that leave you both hurt and disconnected.
The painful truth is this: he often doesn’t know.
The more stressed and overwhelmed he becomes, the less able he is to read your emotional cues or remember what helps. As hard as it is to accept, this is the reality for many neurodivergent relationships.
Unless you clearly tell him what you need in specific moments, the misunderstandings will continue and the cycle will repeat.
It may feel strange, awkward, or even a little patronising to be so direct. But if nothing changes, nothing changes.
It’s time to try something different.
It’s time for you to take the lead.
You already know this, but it’s worth saying again: the only person you can change is yourself.
Stop trying to change him.
Change what you do.
Do something different – and notice what happens.
Three steps to help you get more of what you need from your NeuroDiverse partner
1. Step back from the emotion.
This is easier said than done. But whenever possible, wait until you are calm before raising what is upsetting you. Strong emotion can quickly shut communication down.
2. Observe what is really happening.
In your interactions, become an observer. Notice how he responds. What does he say? What does he avoid? Are there patterns? Awareness gives you clarity.
3. Ask clearly for what you need.
Be specific. What would help when you’re upset? a hug? sitting beside you? making a cup of tea? passing the tissues?
When you’re overwhelmed with “kid stuff,” do you want him to take them to the park? Read to them? Handle bedtime?
You may be thinking, “Do I really have to be that specific?”
Yes. You do.
Try it. See what shifts.
The bonus tip here, for me, is the most important: Repeat Step 1!
Make sure you are calm, relaxed and regulated yourself! You do not have to engage, if you are upset, stressed or tense. Take a break and come back when emotions are calm!
Take small steps. Make gentle changes. And above all, remember to take care of you.