Birthdays, Expectations, and Learning to Celebrate Myself
This week has been a special one for me - it's birthday week! In our family, three of us celebrate our birthdays in the same week, so it's always a busy time, filled with reflection.
For many years, though, birthdays were one of the most painful times in our marriage.
Almost every birthday seemed to end the same way—with hurt feelings, disappointment, and one of those exhausting circular conversations that never really resolved anything. I simply couldn't understand why my husband barely acknowledged my birthday, orour kid's. Every year I hoped, maybe this year will be different. But it never was.
I grew up in a family where birthdays mattered. There was cake, a special dinner, thoughtful gifts, and, most importantly, the birthday person was made to feel loved and celebrated.
When I eventually learned about autism and began to understand the differences in empathy and social understanding, I honestly believed birthdays would become easier. I thought that once he understood why birthdays were important to me, things would change.
I was wrong.
One of the biggest differences showed up in gift-giving.
The presents I received were never sentimental or nurturing. They were always practical, useful - and sometimes rather unexpected!
One gift has become legendary in our family: a set of silicone muffin tins. This was long before silicone bakeware was common. I remember opening them and feeling absolutely mortified. They weren't romantic, thoughtful, or personal in the way I longed for. They felt completely weird...
From my perspective, the gift completely missed the point.
From his perspective, however, they were the perfect gift. They solved a problem, were innovative, and were something I could genuinely use. He had put real thought into choosing them.
After all, I did make a lot of muffins in those days!
It was a classic NeuroTypical - NeuroDivergent misunderstanding.
Over the years, I've come to see something I couldn't see then. My husband genuinely puts a great deal of thought into the gifts he gives me. His way of showing care simply looks very different from mine.
Do I still wish birthdays looked different? Sometimes.
But I've also learned something equally important.
I've learned to celebrate myself.
Every year I buy myself something that feels personal and meaningful - not because anyone else has failed me, but because I've realised I don't need to wait for someone else to make me feel special.
This year's birthday present?
A new camping chair for the motorhome.
Yes... eminently practical and very useful.
I had to laugh. Perhaps after all these years, some of his practicality has rubbed off on me!
Questions for you:
- What do birthdays mean to you?
- How do you celebrate and nurture yourself?
- And if you're in a NeuroDivergent relationship, how have you learned to navigate the "birthday thing"?
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